Family Facts

The Heritage Foundation has a great website with a wealth of statistical evidence and facts supporting a 'traditional' and biblical understanding of marriage, family, parenting, and sexuality.

Children and God's Glory

Sorry I’ve been woefully neglectful in keeping up with the blog. Our family moved into a new home this past week and I’ve been consumed with packing, cleaning, loading, unloading, searching, dusting, unpacking, fixing, breaking, calling repairman, assembling, dissembling, re-assembling, re-dissembling…you get the picture. All the joys which attend putting your family into boxes and taking them to another abode.

Speaking of families…this past Sunday I preached on Matthew 19:13-15 which is the familiar passage of Jesus blessing the children. A couple of things I said seemed to stir the ire of a few out there (I know this because I anticipated such a reaction in my preparation, and because I’ve received a few comments so far). So, some further comments might be in order. Or, as they often are from my computer, might be way out of order. Nonetheless, please read on.

First, I said that in embracing the little children (and blessing them according Mark 10:16) the Lord is affirming the value and worth of these littlest ones contra the world and the flesh which denigrates and disparages their value. This is an important point to make in our culture of death that aborts 1.3 million children yearly. This is an important point to make in our culture of perversion, prioritizing wealth and comfort above the glorious privilege of childrearing. I said that children, like you and I, are made in the image of God and so are glory bearers and glory givers. So, more children means more glory to God. And more glory to God is always, always, a good thing. To be sure, because of sin, the struggles of this life, the weakness of our flesh, the demands of the world, and the strategies of Satan- glorifying God above all things is difficult. When I say more children means more glory I do not at all mean that this is easy. I do not think that it is without a great price. Glorious things are often not easy- this is part of what makes them so glorious.

Second, I said in reference to Matthew 19:13 that someone brought the children to Jesus. I noted that there is a burden upon parents to bring their children to be blessed by Christ. It is the duty of parents to ‘bless’ their children by bringing them to the Word, bringing them to the body of Christ, bringing them to God in prayer, bringing them the Lord through love and care. There is a burden that Fathers bear especially in this call to care for and spiritually lead their homes in subjection to God and the Word (consider Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21 which direct commands to the fathers as the heads of the household). There is a burden that Mothers bear to nurture and care for their children as more valuable than professions, affluence, reputation, or comfort. And so, we find the repeated call to women to be ‘builders of the home’- Titus 2:4-5; 1 Timothy 5:14; Proverbs 31. I said that if God has blessed you with children, then they are the vocation he has given you for at least an extended season. Does this mean that women with little ones should not work outside the home? Well, that is often my general counsel to couples (without extenuating circumstances- such as single parenting- and even so, I believe that in many ways more than others, children of a single parent need the constant nurture of a mother rather than paid daycare employees)- if you are able, then the mother should commit herself to the full time care of the little ones.

As I said Sunday- in all these things there is liberty. And to say there is liberty is not to say there are not boundaries and biblical directives. The liberty comes in each one’s life as they make their decisions and order their lives, marriages, and homes under the authority of Jesus and His revealed Word. As it says in God’s Word,

For not one of us lives for himself, and not one dies for himself; for if we live, we live for the Lord, or if we die, we die for the Lord; therefore whether we live or die, we are the Lord's. For to this end Christ died and lived again, that He might be Lord both of the dead and of the living. But you, why do you judge your brother? Or you again, why do you regard your brother with contempt? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of God. For it is written, "As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to Me, And every tongue shall give praise to God." So then each one of us shall give account of himself to God. (Romans 14:7-12)

I fear that, for many, the decisions about whether or not we have children, how many we do have, or whether or not we will stay home and care for them (or who will stay home and care for them) are made according to the demands and agenda of the world and our own flesh rather than in subjection to our Lord Jesus Christ and a thorough commitment to His Word.

Let me give you an example. Just the other day I was talking to a Christian man about whether or not he would have any more children. He has two already. He was very cynical about the idea of more children, and scoffed and joked at the thought. I asked why he has made this decision and why he is so cynical. First, he talked about finances (even though he is a pretty stable guy financially, and wealthy according to most standards). Then he talked about how tired he and his wife were. Then he talked about how much private schooling is. Then he talked about his desire to travel later. Then he talked about the world’s population problem (all valid considerations in their own right, save the stupidity of population concerns).

I asked him what he thought the bible has to say about such a decision. He laughed and said that the bible probably says to have more children. My point in bringing up God’s Word was not to prove to him that you can find how many children you are to have by looking in a concordance- but to show him that he essentially doesn’t care what God says about such things because he hasn’t searched the Word of God, or put himself under it, and actually has willfully neglected it in fear of what obedience might look like. I asked him if he was praying with his wife about this. The answer was an ahem, ahem, and then an uh, well, and finally a well, kind of and then ultimately a no. I asked him if he was praying with other brothers in Christ about such a decision. The response was flatly no. Like so many decisions we make, the decision of this man was fundamentally based upon secular assumptions, fleshly concerns, and worldly fears.

Now, let me assure you, I have this sort of conversation, with this sort of response constantly. Yes, this example is incidental and anecdotal. But I want to portray what is a cultural reality and generally true in many an evangelical home. And I want to challenge this ethos with God’s Word and the heart of Christ. Don’t you?

A Vision for Marriage and the Home

The college retreat this past weekend was pretty wonderful. It is always one of the highlights of my fall as pastor here at Four Oaks. We focused on purity and relationships in the body of Christ through an exposition of 1 Corinthians 6-7.

In the session titled, "Single for Christ, Married for Christ" we looked at some of the reasons for 'biblical singleness' and sought to understand Paul's warnings and exhortations regarding marriage. Hopefully, these messages will be on the Four Oaks website soon.

I made the point that one of the reasons for biblical singleness is to be 'free from worldly care'. Paul says the following throughout the chapter:
“because of the present crisis, I think it is good for you to remain as you are” v.26
“the time is short” v.29
“this world in its present form is passing away…” v.31
“the unmarried man/woman is concerned about the Lord’s affairs” vv.32-34
“I am saying this…that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.” v.35

Due to some 'present crisis' - most likely famine and intense persecution - Paul encourages the new believers in Corinth to be free from the concerns of family. This exhortation should be understood in light of our current context and cultural climate. I don't believe that Paul would set forth this exhortation with the same emphasis to us American's today. He is simply asking the believer's to make wise judgments about their current situation, weighing the great struggles they would face with the demands of marriage, and the superior calling to Christian ministry. We are to do the same.

Notice, though, my point that Paul is encouraging a 'singleness' or 'unmarried' state that is 'free from worldly care'. I challenged these students to take heed to this call in 1 Cor. 7, and note that much of 'singleness' in our culture is an 'unmarried' state for the sake of worldliness. People shun marriage in order to pursue worldly self interests. People shun the demands of marriage in order to subject themselves to the demands of a career. Rarely, is this career a distinct ministry pursued for the sake of God's people and the call of the gospel. Often it is the pursuit of some vocation for self validation, worldly reputation, or riches (I don't mean to make such a distinct dichotomy, much of the time singles find themselves somewhere in between 'ministry' and 'vocation'). Let's face it, 'sex and the city' has seeped into our evangelical sub-culture more than we'd like to admit.

My challenge to the students was to recognize this season of singleness in two ways:

1. As an extraordinary time to serve Christ without the restraints and demands of married and family life. They can, and many of them are, great gifts to the body in their singular devotion to the Lord. This season is a time of focused service to Christ and not for the slavish pursuit or worldliness.

2. Most of them will be married one day, and sooner rather than later, most likely. This being the case, and the desire of their hearts, I challenged them to build a vision for the future that allows for this. This challenge was put mainly to the young women. Many of them are constantly urged by the world, their parents, even their pastors (not this one, mind you) to pursue degrees and vocations that leave no room for the reality of husbands and children. The Bible calls motherhood a 'career' (and the obvious demands of children and a home clearly display this), and this career is to be a priority, not an afterthought. I urged these young women not to set themselves on a 'worldly' trajectory that does not include, in fact, does not prioritize marriage and the family.

This brings up a host of questions, and we discussed much of them at length over the weekend. Just wanted to give ya'll a taste of the feast we had.

Bayly on "Marriage, Student Debt, and Motherhood"

Click on the Baylyblog link to the right and read todays post, "Woman's Glorious Vulnerability". It is an excellent discussion of the vocation of motherhood and the conflicts this presents to Christian young women who are drawn by the world into graduate study (at significant cost) into the workforce (at an even more significant cost) and away from their children. Be sure to read his previous post, "Marriage, Student Debt, and Motherhood" which is linked for you.

I intend to post on this issue of 'motherhood' and working outside the home in the near future. Join the discussion.

Onan, Sex, Children, and Families

I am posting this blog in part because of the ongoing conversation over at BaylyBlog regarding the sin of Onan and Christian attitudes toward and practice of birth control. Go read those posts and the comments if you want more background to this post.

The passage under consideration is Genesis 38:1-10:
1 And it came about at that time, that Judah departed from his brothers, and visited a certain Adullamite, whose name was Hirah. 2 And Judah saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite whose name was Shua; and he took her and went in to her. 3 So she conceived and bore a son and he named him Er. 4 Then she conceived again and bore a son and named him Onan. 5 And she bore still another son and named him Shelah; and it was at Chezib that she bore him. 6 Now Judah took a wife for Er his first-born, and her name was Tamar. 7 But Er, Judah's first-born, was evil in the sight of the LORD, so the LORD took his life. 8 Then Judah said to Onan, "Go in to your brother's wife, and perform your duty as a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother." 9 And Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so it came about that when he went in to his brother's wife, he wasted his seed on the ground, in order not to give offspring to his brother. 10 But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also.

There are traditional interpretations of this passage that see God’s judgment against Onan to be a warning against ‘birth control’ and/or masturbation. While I believe that there are principles in this passage that we can apply to birth control and masturbation; there are obvious cultural, redemptive historical, and progressive revelation adjustments we make in our interpretation and application of this passage. The glaring one being the cultural/legal obligation of so-called ‘levirate’ marriage that seems to be at work in Onan’s relationship to Er and Tamar. It is this obligation that is at the center of Onan’s sin. This ‘levirate’ obligation does not have a direct application in our lives today.

Yet, we do have obligations and duties in our marital and familial lives. And these obligations are before God, ordered by God, and will one day (sooner, perhaps, but certainly later) be judged by God. Our sexual relationship to our spouse is to be one that is conformed to God’s Word and brought under obedience to God. Sadly, we simply don’t think this way today. More often in our culture, and our evangelical sub-culture, sex is about self. Sex is about pleasure. Sex is about self fulfillment, self glorification. Sex is about us. This can be readily seen in almost every marital counseling situation I find myself brought into. So very often, our hearts are not far from Onan’s heart in these matters. This can be readily seen when you even bring up the idea that sex should be intricately related to procreation and family life. I say in all of my premarital counseling sessions, ‘Don’t have sex if you are not committed to having children”. What do I mean? Don’t separate the from the joy and pleasure of physical intimacy in sexual union from the joy and blessing of godly offspring, and all their attending duties, obligations, and disciplines. No matter what your birth control method is, God is sovereign and you are not. However we fight against it, sex leads to pregnancy, and God ordained it this way.

I do believe that there can be wise and godly 'birth control'. That you can't find a prooftext against something or for something per se, doesn't necessarily require prohibition or obedience in a particular ethical situation. There are many decisions we make that require wisdom and discernment based on inferences from biblical principles that might touch on other matters. The bible never explicitly prohibits spousal abuse explicitly, but there are many passages that might be clearly established to give sound inference that such would be grievously sinful.

As far as the birth control question goes, I am against abortifacient methods such as the so called 'pill'. There is a chance that a conceptus (a baby in my understanding of conception and life) could be shed from the uterine wall via the hormone treatment of the pill. Because of this chance, however slim, I believe it is unwise, and unbiblical to use this method for convenience sake. I tell folks that barrier methods are not as convenient, sexy, or effective, but there is not the chance of willfully and knowingly abort a baby (willfully because you (your wife) took the pill willfully; knowingly- not in the sense that you 'know' when such an event as hormonal miscarriage or abortion occurs- but because you knowingly understand the possible consequences and continued with such methods of birth control).

Tori and I were advised by a Christian ob-gyn, our pastor, and many others. We could not find any 'negative' Christian assessment of it that was trustworthy. I will admit, as well, that we were not very diligent in our search for truth in these matters. We just went with the cultural flow. Its easier to plead ignorance than to seek truth and live in good conscience before it. After I think three years of marriage, we read some very helpful and informative work by Randy Alcorn (check out his website, he wrote 'the Treasure Principle'...he has a book on the birth control pill, and some articles posted:http://www.epm.org/articles/bcp5400.html) on this issue. We stopped taking the birth control pill. We use various ‘barrier methods’ and the best of our wisdom now. But we try and get as far from ‘playing God’ as possible (that sounds extreme, but I think you know what I mean- we are resigned, to a great degree, to God’s providence in these matters). So, our 'methods' are fairly ineffective. And we are glad for it, seeing all our children as a blessing and we hope to have more, or adopt more-something we are praying about now.

The thrust of the Bayly's post that I wholeheatedly agree with is really found in Malachi 2:15 "But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit. And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then, to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth." I don't think Onan's sin was spilling his seed as much as it was blatant disobedience to God's law (tho not Mosaic, there was obviously some understanding of the 'levirate' responsibility to raise up a godly seed for your sister in law who has no children). Onan's sin was selfishness and worldliness. Onan enjoyed sexual union with Tamar without any commitment to her, or desire to obey God in this union. This is the sin of the Israelites in Mal. 2:15. They are choosing wordly comfort and convenience above fidelity and the difficult task of raising children. In our culture we have become very lazy and selfish on the whole, and we couple this with open hedonism and a crass sexuality. This affects our view of children and family life. We make our decisions based on the level of comfort and affluence that the culture affords and our sinful hearts crave, and then we allow this to be the driving force of our 'family planning'. Then we call that discernment and wisdom. We say things like, 'we can't afford anymore children'. Which is a rather perverse statement in our two car culture. It is also perverse in that it puts price tags on humans. It is a utilitarian ethic, not a God centered, God honoring ethic. This has seeped into our view of humanity everywhere. We can't afford Terri Schiavo, she is too much trouble, she is a pain, she doesn't talk, the autopsy revealed she was blind, so we starve her to death. Are we surprised that they are killing newborn babies in the Netherlands with Spina Bifida, or that Peter Singer advocated murder on demand for newborns based on our culture's arbitrary view of financial feasibility, health, cognition, and personal choice? Many of us make our decisions about our jobs, our marriages, our children's education, our giving, our sexual intimacy, and our 'offspring', primarily from personal issues of comfort and convenience, and not from prolonged study of God's Word, arduous prayer, and sound mature counsel.

This is the sin of Onan and the sin of the Israelites: Selfishness. Denying God's Word as it applies to our sex lives. Refusing to heed the call to raise up a godly seed. Not serving as head of your house. Abandoning the patient work of faithful intimacy in the bond of marriage. These are the matters of the heart that we must constantly talk and pray about with our spouse. These are matters that should be discussed within the accountability structures of our churches. Are you allowing worldliness to be the driving force in your marriage and family? What has been the process for you and your spouse in finding God’s will in this area of your life?

It is no secret that our culture hates the family and hates children. I’m not parading typical Dobson-esque, right wing jargon here. You are blind and deaf if you don’t see it and hear it everywhere. We are mockers of fatherhood, we are despisers of motherhood, and we have no tolerance for those little ones that are most dependent upon us for care. This is clearly seen in our push for government funding preschool and childcare. We are refusing to love and raise our children as God has instructed us. We are letting others do it. We are letting the state do it (I'm not talking about single moms here, we have a duty to care for them and their children; though it should be the duty of more intimate community and not the bureaucratic nightmare of our public school system). I am speaking here of the average American who can make appropriate sacrifices for the sake of their children yet prioritize career and comfort over them. And then we cite a couple of sociological studies in favor of it. In our heart of hearts we know this is a cover for our sin. We are more interested in our careers, we are more interested in our big homes, our cars, our disposable income, our free time, our status, etc. Children are a nuisance. They require constant attention, they suck up our immediate resources, they poop in their pants, they need continual training and discipline, they wake us at all hours of the night- if they ever sleep at all! and on and on and on...

Yet, the Bible says they are a heritage, a blessing. They will one day lead our churches, teach in our schools, hold office in our communities, raise up their own children. One day they might change YOUR diapers, and care for YOU in the watches of the night. Ahhh...perhaps we see another area of our lives where we have lost our bearings. The care of the elderly, like caring for infants, impedes our personal lust for time, money, leisure, and status. So are we surprised we have handed them over to our woefully inept institutions as well?

And so much of this can be traced back to the marriage bed. This is, I believe, why God dealt so directly and strongly with Onan’s sin. This is why we hear this admonition in Hebrews 13:4 “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” Consider also Paul’s words regarding godliness in our sexual union in marriage in 1 Cor. 7:2-5: “But because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

Paul has strong words about the family as he instructs his young pastoral students regarding the health of the church: “He [the elder] must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity -- but if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God? (1 Timothy 3:4-5)…Let deacons be husbands of only one wife, and good managers of their children and their own households (1 Timothy 3:12)…Therefore, I want younger widows to get married, bear children, keep house, and give the enemy no occasion for reproach; for some have already turned aside to follow Satan. If any woman who is a believer has dependent widows, let her assist them, and let not the church be burdened, so that it may assist those who are widows indeed” (1 Timothy 5:14-16) … Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips, nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be dishonored. (Titus 2:3-5).


Oh well…some thoughts. What do you think?